Solo-Tripping As a Mom
Former government employee LaWanda Toney spent the past year and half reinventing herself while raising a teenager, caring for aging parents, and grieving her brother. She deserves a vacation.
This week, I chatted with a mom I’m proud to call a friend. I met LaWanda at a conference a few years ago. She was working for the Education Secretary, I was at Parents. Within minutes we were trading life stories and mom truths. By the end of that first conversation I knew it was friendship at first sight. ❤️
MOM: LaWanda Toney
JOB: Communications Strategist
LOCATION: Fort Washington, Maryland
“My mother’s mother was hard-nosed, stoic, prim and proper. You couldn’t chew gum, whistle, talk too loud, or laugh without covering your mouth. She was a strict Southern lady. And because my mother was raised this way, she was determined to raise us differently.”
Have you ever taken a solo trip as a mother? You know, a vacation that’s all about you. Not your kids. Not your partner. Not your bestie. But you. Out there in the world basking in the pleasure of your own company. I categorize these getaways as “family trips” because everyone benefits when moms get a chance to recalibrate and reset. Trust me. Even if your crew stays home, they will feel the warmth of your post-vacation glow. And no one deserves an escape more than a mother.
Take this week’s mom, LaWanda Toney, for example. She’s an ex federal government employee who has worked hard to reinvent herself this past year and half all while caring for her 13-year-old son and aging parents and mourning the death of her brother. It’s a lot. So, when her husband asked how she’d like to celebrate an upcoming milestone birthday, she told him she wanted to go away. Alone.
The first trip was to Sedona, Arizona. “Initially, it felt weird. I was like, ‘what am I doing? How is this going to work?’ But I picked the hotel I wanted to stay at, the restaurants I wanted to eat at, the activities I wanted to do,” LaWanda says. “Turns out I’m great at traveling alone. I enjoy time with myself and I know what I like—libraries, consignment shops, visiting different neighborhoods—all things my family doesn’t care about. I’m already planning my next trip to Martha’s Vineyard.”
Traveling solo has taught LaWanda some important lessons but there’s one that sticks out: “I used to pre-plan meals for my family,” she says. “But now I’m like, ‘these fools can get food; they’re not gonna starve to death. Why would I make it harder for myself by making lasagna and all kinds of stuff when they probably want to eat junk while mom is gone.”
Yes, LaWanda, yes! Let’s all try to do less. They will survive.
The Mommune Q&A:
When you’re not plotting your next trip, how do you keep momming through the never-ending news cycle?
LaWanda: Some days I have to disconnect from what’s happening in the world and zero in on what’s going on at home to be able to function. I don’t watch the news as much as I used to. It adds an extra layer of anxiety. I’d rather focus on being a mom and see what’s going on with my son. At 13, he’s kind of a closed book.
That’s life with a teen. How do you handle that?
LaWanda: He comes to us when he hears something and wants to know if it’s true. When my husband was let go from the government last year and I finished my term, he had a lot of questions. Because of where we live, many of his friends’ parents were also out of work. But we didn’t want him to worry. My husband and I knew we would have to give us some things but as long as our son got to play basketball and enjoy summer vacation, we were willing to make other sacrifices so that his life stayed normal. I want him to have a childhood for as long as he can and not feel like he has to become an adult because adult things are happening.
Were you protected from adult things as a kid?
LaWanda: I’m the middle child. I had an older brother and a younger sister, and in a lot of Southern Black families, the oldest girl is the oldest. When the parents go out, you’re in charge. You are responsible if things go awry. You have to keep your siblings in line, including your older brother, who’s like “are you crazy?” But I felt like I couldn’t mess up. As an adult, I was always the mom among my friends.
“My parents are like rebellious teenagers. I have three teens right now. My 13-year-old son is the easier one. My parents don’t need me 100 percent but they need help and they resist it.”
What kind of mom did you have?
LaWanda: I need to describe my grandmother to describe my mother. My mother’s mother was hard-nosed, stoic, prim and proper. You couldn’t chew gum, whistle, talk too loud, or laugh without covering your mouth. She was a strict Southern lady. And because my mother was raised this way, she was determined to raise us differently. She gave us freedoms she didn’t have. And she never told us what to do. Her mother made all the decisions for her, right down to her career as a teacher. Whenever I asked my mother advice, she’d say, “I don’t want to tell you what to do.” She was hands off. It made me very independent. But when I met my husband and saw him with his family, I realized that it’s nice to have people to lean on when life gets complicated. To this day, I’ll call my mother-in-law before I will call my mother.
Was your mother affectionate?
LaWanda: She didn’t show love physically. No hugging, no kissing. When my sister had the first grandchild, I told my mom, “you cannot do him like you did us; you’re going to have to express love.” And she did it. It’s nice to see her as a grandmother even though I can tell it’s still hard for her.
Your parents are getting older. What has that made you realize about your own motherhood journey?
LaWanda: My parents are like rebellious teenagers. I have three teens right now. My 13-year-old son is the easier one. My parents don’t need me 100 percent but they need help and they resist it. They get angry when I come in and try to sort things out. They go silent. They feel like they’re losing their privileges. My father can’t drive and he depends on my mom for that. And my mother had a heart attack last year. So, my sister and I are asking the questions: Are you taking your medicine? When was the last time you went to the doctor? Can we talk to your doctor? My mom feels like we’re parenting them.
Where do you draw strength from?
LaWanda: My parents made sure I did all the things I wanted to do: go to college, leave home and move away from them, pursue a better life. I feel obligated to repay that. And despite the ways they leaned on me too heavily as a kid, I had a great childhood. Picnics in the park. Watching The Cosby Show together as a family. Scrabble games where they never let me win. Those memories motivate me to show up for them.
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