Your Mama Is So Selfish...
...she's actually a more caring and present mom. For evidence, ask Kerry Docherty, co-founder of the clothing brand Faherty.
MOM: Kerry Docherty
JOB: Faherty co-founder
LOCATION: Spring Lake, New Jersey
“Being a selfish mom means putting myself first by leaning into the things that make me feel most alive.”
I was recently on my way out to meet friends for dinner when my 11-year-old stopped me at the door to ask for help with something that could clearly wait. I had told her several times that I was running late and yet, here she was trying to get my attention. “Do you really have to go?” she said, eyes starting to water. “I need you.” As soon as I heard those three words, I felt cornered. I could almost hear the clock ticking as I weighed my options: Cancel on my girlfriends—I was already 15 minutes behind—and prioritize my child or proceed as planned and worry about said child during the entire meal. It was a lose-lose proposition.
Then I remembered something this week’s interviewee, Kerry Docherty, said: “Being a selfish mom means putting myself first by leaning into the things that make me feel most alive. Not because I think I deserve it but because the more my well is filled, the more it overflows outwardly.” It was the reframe I didn’t know I needed. So, off I went to fill my well. Everyone else could wait. And guess what? I had a great night out and when I got home, I found a sweet note on my pillow from my daughter hoping I had fun. It was a reminder that it’s ok—and often necessary—to put yourself first.
That is the message of Kerry’s memoir, Selfish: Unlearning, Reclaiming, and Telling the Truth (out April 21, Harmony). As a mom of two (ages 10 and 8) and co-founder of the clothing brand Faherty, Kerry spent years prioritizing her family and business. Only to realize that in order to give the people closest to her the love, attention, and presence they deserve, she has to cultivate her own joy. And that means moving to the front of the queue when it comes to herself.
The Mommune Q&A:
What does being selfish mean to you as a mom?
Kerry: A mother is the central nervous system in the family. If a mother is calm, present, and fulfilled, it helps regulate the nervous system of the entire family. In my case, I need a lot of solitude. I love taking beach walks and journaling in the morning. I don’t always get that alone time but it’s how I pay attention to my mind so that I’m kinder to myself and my kids. Otherwise, the tape in my mind is so obligatory, so dutiful, so productive. And kids don’t care about productivity. They want to come home to a warm hug and someone that’s present.
How do you define good enough parenting?
Kerry: Good enough parenting is lazy parenting. And I say this as someone who was a high achiever with perfectionist tendencies. I used to think about mothering in terms of how everything looked, not how I was being. I would feel like a failure if I served my kids chicken tenders, sliced cucumbers, four grapes, and a half a carrot instead of a beautiful meal. But spending five minutes on dinner, so that I am in a better mood and can do Magna-Tiles later, that’s good enough parenting. It’s about focusing on what’s going to move the needle. And the needle is around emotional and spiritual caregiving.
What’s the one thing you must do for yourself every day?
Kerry: I am obsessed with baths. It calms my nervous system and washes out the day. So, our bath time is a long, intricate process. I fill the bathtub with bubbles and the kids get whatever toys they want. I’m in there for six minutes but at least I get my bath. As parents, we need to broaden our imagination for how we spend time together with our children. If you love watching a show at the end of the day, watch a show with your kids. If you love cooking, make dinner together. If you like doing a nighttime walk, do it as a family.
“I did not see my mom as someone who had an identity outside of mothering until I was 17 years old.”
How do your kids react when you prioritize yourself?
Kerry: It’s a balance for me. If you ask me, “would you rather go to your kids’ basketball game or take a beach walk?” I will always choose a beach walk. It doesn’t feel good to me that my daughter will say, “please tell me that you’re coming to my game today.” She knows. I wish I could fake it and tell you I would rather see my 9-year-old play basketball at a gym 20 minutes away, where they only score six points. I don’t want to go. And I feel that tension every day. But I also know that it means a lot to her when I show up. I’m always doing this pro/con cost-benefit analysis.
Do your kids see you as a full human being, not just their mother?
Kerry: Part of being a selfish mom is letting your kids know that you have needs, too. They start to see you as an individual at a younger age. I did not see my mom as someone who had an identity outside of mothering until I was 17 years old. If I have a short fuse, I’ll say to my kids, “I am sorry I just barked at you. I’m feeling stressed and anxious today. I took it out on you, and I didn’t mean to.” When we use “I” statements as an adult, they realize their mom has emotions, too, and it helps them understand their own emotions.
Do they help you get through those feelings?
Kerry: I try to own my feelings as they’re unfolding. My kids see me cry sometimes. If they ask what’s wrong, I don’t say, “nothing, I’m fine.” I say I had a really hard day at work. But I never put it on them to try to help me problem-solve. I explain how I’m feeling in a way that doesn’t parentify them or make them feel like they have to say anything. My daughter will offer me a hug, which is great, but they don’t try to fix it.
Mom Thread
Reading rec: An ode to fierce mothers everywhere, this picture book is inspired by the old “yo mama” jokes.
IRL: Calling all Brooklyn moms! Join me for breakfast and conversation on May 7th to chat all things motherhood.
Do less: A Life Kit episode on how to lower your standards as a working parent. Totally recommend bringing it down a few notches.
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